When clothes attack

Do you ever feel that you are in the middle of a sitcom and no-one’s told you – a sort of Salsa equivalent of The Truman Show? Do you, at all? Or is it just me……..

I’m not being paranoid, really I’m not, because if what I’m about to describe happened to you constantly, and not to anyone else you knew, then you’d begin to wonder…..you would…….

My particular problem is with clothes – I’m not talking about the every-day-skirt-tucked-in-knickers-scenario, or toilet-paper-dragging-on-show-when-you-are-trying-to-impress-someone-situation. Nope, this is quite unusual. Read on…….

SCENE 1: It was a cold winters night in Central London, but inside the salsa club the atmosphere was HOT!!!! An it was quite warm as well. It was my first visit and I had made and effort to look quite nice. In fact, I thought I looked Quite Good. My sleek and sexy black dress matching (for once) my black dancing shoes, and my hair was being agreeable and doing as it was told for once. During a lull in my dancing, I decided to amble from one end of the venue to the other, to get a slightly different perspective on things, and stood for a while watching everyone. I also, did a bit of on the spot wiggling and moving, as one does sometimes to keep warm in salsa clubs and to make sure I didn’t lose my aerobic exercise momentum…..

So I stood, and I watched and I wiggled, until I began to wonder why I had not danced for a while. I did the usual check list – skirt tucked in knickers – no, cabbage in teeth, no….and decided it was just one of those things..

Suddenly, a kindly young man walked past and said, “Excuse me, but you have something on your foot.”

“Thank you for telling me,” I said, and looked down. I looked down to find that I had a serviette stuck to the bottom of my shoe. Not a scrunched up bit of white stuff, oh no, or a small shredded bit of A5, oh, dear, no. I had a huge bright white serviette stretched to its full A4 size set off nicely by my black shoes. I looked like I was standing on a large dinner plate.

Upon ambling from one end of the room to another, it seemed i had stood on this serviette and it had come with me. It had come with me because It had a load of ketchup on it, which had stuck nicely to the sole of my shoe. All my dancing on the spot had then ground it in very well indeed, so I couldn’t just pick it off in one fell swoop. No, it took half an hour of picking all the nasty little bits off until I had lost the will to dance. I spent the rest of the evening scouring the club for anyone with tell tale signs of ketchup around their mouth. But they were hiding. See, I’m not making it up!

SCENE 2: Picture this: I am at a very big Salsa Congress on the south coast. On my way to a class I decide to buy some new dancing shoes and I find an outlet with a sale on. Oh, joy, I find a pair of lovely black shoes in my size, which is quite unusual as I have very small feet – size 2 and a half. So, I am Very Excited and decide these shoes are a gift from above – they have just the right size and shape heel and fit like a glove.

Unfortunately, I have no money with me and say, “Can you keep them for me and I will pay for them later?”

“Yes,” replied the kindly sales person, “I will put them back for you, thus” And she put them in a safe place.

After lunch I returned to pay for my lovely new shoes. But I had left it a bit late so I was in a rush.

“Can I have the shoes you put to one side for me, please,” I asked, full of anticipation and excitement.

“Yes,” said the kind sales-person,”Would you like to try them on?” – as she was a different sales person from the first.

“No thank you,” I replied, “I have already tried them on. I would simply like to pay.” So I paid, and went on to my class. I tried to put on my lovely new shoes. But I couldn’t. Because they had given me two left feet! I MEAN THE SHOES.

“Oh, no,” I reasoned ” I cannot dance in these.” So I ran back to the shoe outlet and said, ” I bought these shoes, but you have given me two left feet.”

“Oh dear,” said the kindly sales-person, “I will get the other one for you.”

She held the correct one in front of me. “Would you like to try them on?”, as she was yet another different sales person. This outlet was really very well staffed.

“No thank you,” I replied, “I have already tried them on and I am late for my class.” So I took my new shoes and left quickly.

At the class I put on my lovely new shoes and lo, I had one left foot and one right foot (I MEAN THE SHOES), which was correct, and proceeded with the class.

There was a lot of spinning and complicated stuff, and my new shoes felt absolutely lovely….

Later that evening, all dressed up and ready to party, I changed out of my outdoor shoes, and put on my lovely new dance shoes, which I had broken in quite nicely at the earlier Quite Difficult Class.

I stood for a minute, but sensed that something wasn’t quite right….I couldn’t work it out, but as I stood in my lovely new shoes I felt, well, lopsided really.

I moved my feet and did a few steps and said to my kindly friend who was standing next to me, “There is something Not Quite Right with my new shoes.”

And my kindly friend looked at my shoes, and looked at me, then at my shoes. They say actions speak louder than words, and from her hysterical laughter and shaking shoulders, I assumed she’d discovered what was not quite right with my shoes. As had my other friend, and her boyfriend, who were all doing the same thing….

And then I realised what was Not Quite Right….

On one foot I was wearing a black shoe with a low, round, thick heel. On the other foot, I was wearing a black shoe with a high, 3 inch slim heel…and somehow during the class I had not noticed….whereas standing still I felt decidedly, well, Not Quite Right.

So, my question is, does that mean that I am an absolutely fantastic dancer, or does it mean that I am in fact, lopsided and no-one told me…….

So, am I right, or am I right, and I haven’t told you the coathanger story yet, or the one where I am windsurfing (not salsa, but relevant)…….What exactly is the name of the sitcom I’m in…..

However, I am not alone…….please read below the account of a fellow sufferer……

When Clothes Attack…Other People….. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!